Spa day: tapeworm

New webisode! Apollo indulges Mickey in some serious pampering. Don't watch this episode whilst eating breakfast. Hmm. Y'know, I've been working too hard. Maybe I deserve a spa day too...I don't want any motherfucking seaweed wraps though! Tank me up on battery acid, vanilla ice cream and shot of raspberry rat poison, then smother me in Vaseline and put me in a cage with Mar...

Would like to meet: Apollo and Laquisha

So you're a lonely, fat-assed, social reject with fifteen toes, penis fingers and breath that smells like a tramp's labia. You like fishing, smearing mustard on your choad and thinking about the Queen on the shitter turns you on. We're gonna need to find you a date with some pretty specific fetishes huh?

Sac o' love: Morgan gets it

You'd think a safe word meant 'I'd had enough', not 'stick your stilleto heel up my patootie'. I swear, after I did the nasty with Angel (and got out of hospital) I had to wear ice-padded jocks for a month.

Anyway, since Apollo palmed that crazy bitch off with poor old Morgan, that bag's been very, very quiet. I think we better go get a shovel and the car with the extra large boot...&n...

Special brew: celeb endorsement

Try the brand new Apollo's Pad Moonshine, as endorsed by Morgan motherfucking Freeman in a bag.

Did I mention he's one rude bastard? We bring him all the way down to our lovely club, wrapped up all nice in a sack and he's still not happy. Well smartass, you might have tunnelled your way through a prison wall with a spoon but lets see you get out of this one. 

No Mickey no cry: ganja

We've had royalty visiting the Pad! Charles and Camilla! Did you know Prince Charles has a Prince Albert? No shit! He showed us last night after he did a belly dance. I was talking to this badger called Steve. Who had a motorcycle. And a gun. Stoned? Me? How dare you!

War is hell: gonorrhea

Mickey's having an emotional flashback involving Prince Harry. I dig gingers man. I get it. If you gave me a choice between boinking a ginge and watching Amy Winehouse wrestling Britney in a vat of horse shit, I'd take the ginger any day. Carrot flavoured pubes rock my world.

Madge: Hermaphrodite

Poor Guy Ritchie. What the hell happened? Wakes up one day married to Grandma Madge, the strongest geriatric on earth. Face it bitch, you can't fight the waddle.

What with all the muscles and sweat patches, does Madonna actually have a vagina any more? And if not, where did it go? Did she retire it? Has it turned to moonlit crime fighting? 'Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! HOLY CRAP! ...

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck 4

OK. Enough already. This list of shit Mickey'd like to cock slap is starting to make me retch. If you'd seen the warts on this guy's penis you'd understand. If you'd removed from your ass a few times you'd definitely understand. Not that I have. More than twice. Crissakes! Someone ask him a different question!

Almost Infamous: No talent

Yeesh - Laquisha is one talent free zone. Plus that bitch's got a vagina like a rattlesnake. Seriously, stay outta there if you want to live. You'd get bigger thrills licking Henry VIII's butt crack.

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck (3)

Mickey regales us with the menagerie of animals he'd like to poke his choad into. Big deal. You know what would be really freaky? A Walrus fur burger. If you're gonna fuck an animal you may as well do it properly.