apollospad.com

Iiquor, disco, insane puppets

That's right - something for all the family, which is just as well, as Tuesdays are family night at Apollo's Pad!

27 February 2008

She just killed a rat in a bathroom

Beautiful Angel is all wrapped up like a pretty package... but what's that running up her leg?

27 February 2008

Where did he get that delicious Martini?

Apollo's promoting his very special nightclub and he's enlisted the help of the delightfully diseased Mickey Mullet...

27 February 2008

Disco fries: hungry for the beat

When it comes to music, Apollo and Ice Flow are hungry for different beats...

05 March 2008

Drinking contest: Mickey's magic

Ice Flow's got a broken heart... good job Mickey's on hand with the perfect cocktail.

05 March 2008

Snostorm: music shoot off

Apollo and Ice Flow are having a little disagreement about music...

05 March 2008

Heart of glass: mouth of Mickey

Apollo's full of the joys of spring... so you just know things aren't going to go according to plan...

05 March 2008

ROTFL: naked ladies

Ice Flow wants to introduce his new girlfriend Rachel to his pops, Apollo... but his timing isn't that great. In fact, it couldn't be worse.

05 March 2008

Desperate measures: surgery

Apollo and Ice are worried about the club's finances 'til Snoflake shows up with a mouthful of gold and a body full of valuable organs...

06 March 2008

Smoothness wins again: chat-up

Snoflake's invitation for a 'moustache ride' doesn't get him anywhere with the ladies – cue a lesson in old school lechery from Apollo.

07 March 2008

Paternity: blood test

When Ice demands back payments on his missing allowance, tight-wad Apollo wants to know whether he's really his son.

10 March 2008

Dreamlover: strong hands

Nothing's ever as it seems in the messed up world of the Pad and Apollo's dreamlover turns out not to be the angel he imagined.

11 March 2008

Bills bills bills: DJ saviour

Surprise, surprise, Apollo's broke again. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel when Ice books a superstar DJ.

12 March 2008

Funeral: the truth about keith

Walking narcotics experiment Mickey dispels the myth about what really happened to Keith Moon. And it's not very nice.

13 March 2008

Good Times and Bad - how Mickey met Apollo

Apollo and Mickey reminisce about days gone by - and as usual Mickey takes advantage of any opportunity to get his pecker out...

March 14 2008

Ladies choice: lessons in love

Is the lady at the bar a slice of chocolate heaven or a grade A sausage wallet? Apollo and Snoflake have very different ways with women...

17 March 2008

Inspector: racoons n shit

The health inspector's coming round. Big fucking problem. Apollo might think the club's clean, but he hasn't turned the lights on since 1978.

18 March 2008

Embarrassing moments: Mickey's ass

Just how many things can one man find up his own ass? Just ask the living medical experiment gone wrong - Mickey Mullet.

19 March 08

Pogo: Easter cookbook

Need a perfect recipe to serve your friends and family? Cooking advice is on hand from the Pad's psychotic, blood thirsty punk chef...

20 March 2008

Second coming: walk on water

It's Easter. That can only mean one thing. Mickey is Jesus Christ. Amen.

21 March 2008

Harry's return: the snitch

Prince Harry sure can put it away, which is why Apollo's desperate to get him back in the bar - but did he have to blow ginger boy's cover?

25 March 2008

Yes we will: Oba-who?

Things have got pretty ghetto at the Pad so Apollo delivers an impassioned speech. But hold on... serving minors? Sleeping with other people's wives? Oh dear.

26 March 2008

Sex positions: peck my pecker

Mickey and Apollo discuss their favourite ways to make sweet love. Or rather nasty, horrible, diseased love that no man should ever speak of.

27 March 2008

Secret cookies: ladies' man

Apollo reveals his favourite way to make it with the ladies. What could it be - flowers? Chocolates? Nope, that's far too sensible.

28 March 2008

Around the world: part one

Apollo and Mickey discuss the virtues of bettering international relations. Or, put another way, shagging birds in different countries.

31 March 2008

April fool: dangerous games

April Fool's day is fun, right? Whoopee cushions, itching powder and... erm... bear traps? Fuck me this place gets more dangerous by the day.

01 April 2008

Around the world: part two

Mickey gets confused about who, or what he's fucked. But hey, when 90% of your blood is actually furniture polish, what do you expect?

02 April 2008

Dance off: brothership

Ice and Sno Flake go toe-to-toe with Apollo on the dancefloor - but whose moves are best? Sno's hip-hop pig hump or Apollo's disco dick?

03 April 2008

Around the world: part three

Mickey explains the virtues of European women - he loves them a bit hairy. But with sexy collars and a wagging tail??

04 April 2008

Around the world: hairy situation

Jesus, is it Monday already? Great. Only five days until I can go home get paralytic on home-made brandy and pass out in a pool of my own feces again. I love weekends.

07 April 2008

Celeb encounter: Oprah Winfrey's fat

Apollo's found a bag of Oprah Winfrey's fat behind the bar. And it talks. Whatever. She wouldn't be the first motherfucker to start talking out of her ass...

08.04.08

Vagina: Or, what Jane Fonda said

Vaginas can be a real bitch. An ex girlfriend of mine had a killer one. With teeth. And if you pissed if off, it spat deadly poison 30 feet in every direction. True story.

09.04.08

Double Ds - silicone investment

Shit man, what happened? Y'all look like a baboon’s ass! You're uglier than my ugly cousin Zelda. And she's bald, has 3 butts and weighs 400 pounds. Ah. I feel better now.

10.04.08

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck

Some wise-ass has been asking Mickey grand questions about life. This is the man who was once hospitalised for giving himself a champagne enema. And then drinking the champagne.

11.04.08

Laquisha Fashionista - short skirt

So. What did you guys get up to over the weekend? Me? Oh the usual. Covered myself in chocolate mousse and gave the Queen a lap dance. We do this every year. Kinky old bitch.

14.04.08

Brangelina: Call now

Brangelina, Madonna, TomKat. I wish any of those fuckers would come adopt me. Then I could kick Dad in the nuts and boink Mom. What? Like you wouldn't!

15.04.08

Win Apollo's pants!

Just shit yourself? Need a spare pair of undies? Tough shit, the competition's closed. Never mind, you can still catch Mickey defecating in his smalls. Lucky you.

16.04.08

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck (2)

The Pad's very own syphilitic rocker is here to give you a rundown of the many, many things he'd happily stick his knob in. Yeah, fucking lovely Mickey. Thanks.

17.04.08

Laquisha Fashionista - commando

Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton - they all know how to get themselves in the press, right? You wanna know too, you dirty little famewhore? Ask Laquisha...

Passover: Pass the bucket

Ahh Passover. Blood, disease, death. Good times. Now if you'll excuse me, I’m off for my morning constitutional. A good sniff of diesel and a bucket of Valium should do it.

21.04.08

My breezy: Miley's millions

If your idea of smooth is camping outside a teenaged heiress’ front door counting down the seconds til she turns 18, you’re in the right place you freaky bastards.

22.04.08

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck (3)

Is this guy still going on about banging shit? Jeez, you would have thought he'd have learnt his lesson when his foreskin got trapped in the DVD player.

23.04.08

Almost Infamous: No talent

Wanna be a celebrity? No problem! According to these guys all you gotta do is snort half of Hollywood up your nose and flash your coochie in public. Go get 'em kids!

24.04.08

Ask Mickey: Things I'd Fuck 4

Ever tried to pleasure yourself with a vegetable? C'mon -you were alone in the house -admit it. Was it a courgette? A carrot? A marrow? Seriously? Man. You are one sick fuck!

25.04.08

Madge: Hermaphrodite

Dear God. Why have you morphed Madonna into a grisly-ball-busting ninja-witch-crone? Wither the hotness? Are you trying to make our eyes bleed?

28.04.08

War is hell: gonorrhea

What the hell are you looking at? You expect me to entertain you? Well maybe I don't feel like it. Do I look like your bitch? Watch the frickin video asshole. Get off my case.

29.04.08

No Mickey no cry: ganja

Ohh maaan. My dick feels like a rolling pin. Never mix discount Viagra that you bought from a one legged prostitute with hash cookies and old spice.

30.04.08

Special brew: celeb endorsement

I once drank some of Apollo's special brew. Still don't know what happened that night, but I do still have a mild case of ebola and a scar next to my ear that looks strangely like Mickey's cock.

Sac o' love: Morgan gets it

Jeez that Angel's a skank. Not only she pretends to be 40 years younger, I aint even sure she's a lady. I mean, when the undercarriage hangs that low, it's tricky to work out what you're looking at.

Would like to meet: Apollo and Laquisha

Hey people - no need to stay home spreading peanut butter on your balls and getting your dog to lick it off any more! Apollo's Pad is now a dating agency.

06.05.08

Spa day: tapeworm

Great. Mickey's been ignoring his wheat allergy. Again. The bathroom looks like Dunkirk! There's shit on the ceiling. And something moving in the urinal...

07.05.08